28 Hints for Gentlemen

I recently came across a Victorian-era manual of etiquette. The title is, “The Gentlemen’s Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness: Being a Complete Guide for a Gentleman’s Conduct in all his Relations Towards Society.” Written by Cecil Hartley in 1875, it provides gentlemen with rules of courtesy in a variety of situations. While some of the rules are specific to the Victorian era, much of it is still applicable for modern gentlemen. In one chapter, Hartley notes the connection between being a Christian and being a true gentleman:

Religion itself teaches us to honor all men, and to do unto others as we would others do unto us. This includes the whole principle of courtesy… The truly pious people are the truly courteous. “Religion,” says Leighton, “is in this mistaken sometimes, in that we think it imprints a roughness and austerity upon the mind and carriage. It doth, indeed, bar all vanity and lightness, and all compliance;” but it softens the manners, tempers the address, and refines the heart.

Here are twenty-eight ‘hints for gentlemen’ that I have extracted and abridged from the chapter “One Hundred Hints for Gentlemanly Deportment.”

1 – Demonstrate the character of a gentleman. Perhaps the true definition of a gentleman is this: “Whoever is open, loyal, and true; whoever is of humane and affable demeanor; whoever is honorable in himself, and in his judgment of others, and requires no law but his word to make him fulfil an engagement; such a man is a gentleman, be he in the highest or lowest rank of life, a man of elegant refinement and intellect, or the most unpolished tiller of the ground.”

2 – Demonstrate Gentleness. Separate the syllables of the word gentleman, and you will see that the first requisite must be gentleness—gentle-man. Mackenzie says, “Few persons are sufficiently aware of the power of gentleness. It is slow in working, but it is infallible in its results. It makes no noise; it neither invites attention, nor provokes resistance; but it is God’s great law, in the moral as in the natural world, for accomplishing great results…It assumes nothing, yet it can disarm the stoutest opposition; it yields, but yielding is the element of its strength; it endures, but in the warfare victory is not gained by doing, but by suffering.”

3 – Avoid tyranny. I refer not to the wrongs, real or imaginary, that engage our attention in ancient and modern history; my tyrants are not those who have waded through blood to thrones, and grievously oppress their brother men. I speak of the petty tyrants of the fireside and the social circle, who trample like very despots on the opinions of their fellows. They “pooh! pooh!” at every opinion advanced; they make the lives of their mothers, sisters, wives, children, unbearable. A gentleman is ever humble, and the tyrant is never courteous.

4 – Learn to restrain anger. A man in a passion ceases to be a gentleman, and if you do not control your passions, rely upon it, they will one day control you.

5 – Keep good company or none. You will lose your own self-respect, and habits of courtesy sooner and more effectually by intercourse with low company, than in any other manner; while, in good company, these virtues will be cultivated and become habitual.

6 – Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than to make an engagement, be it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your memory is not sufficiently retentive to keep all the engagements you make stored within it, carry a little memorandum book and enter them there.

7 – Be Punctual. Make it a rule to be always punctual in keeping an appointment, and, when it is convenient, be a little beforehand. Such a habit ensures that composure and ease which is the very essence of gentlemanly deportment.

8 – Apologize. Be ready to apologize when you have committed a fault which gives offence. Better, far better, to retain a friend by a frank, courteous apology for offence given, than to make an enemy by obstinately denying or persisting in the fault.

9 – Accept Apologies. An apology made to yourself must be accepted. No matter how great the offence, a gentleman cannot keep his anger after an apology has been made, and thus, amongst truly well-bred men, an apology is always accepted.

10 – Watch Yourself. “In private, watch your thoughts; in your family, watch your temper; in society, watch your tongue.”

11 – Be Humble. The true secret of pleasing all the world, is to have an humble opinion of yourself. True goodness is invariably accompanied by gentleness, courtesy, and humility.

12 – Avoid flattery and slander. As both flattery and slander are in the highest degree blameable and ungentlemanly, I would quote the rule of Bishop Beveridge, which effectually prevents both. He says, “Never speak of a man’s virtue before his face, nor of his faults behind his back.”

13 – Do not carry on a personal conversation among others. It is a great piece of rudeness to make a remark in general company, which is intelligible to one person only. To call out, “George, I met D. L. yesterday, and he says he will attend to that matter,” is as bad as if you went to George and whispered in his ear.

14 – Avoid eccentric conduct. It does not, as many suppose, mark a man of genius. Most men of true genius are gentlemanly and reserved in their intercourse with other men, and there are many fools whose folly is called eccentricity.

15 – Do not share secrets. To betray a confidence is to make yourself despicable. Many things are said among friends which are not said under a seal of secrecy, but are understood to be confidential, and a truly honorable man will never violate this tacit confidence. It is really as sacred as if the most solemn promises of silence bound your tongue; more so, indeed, to the true gentleman, as his sense of honor, not his word, binds him.

16 – Use kind words. They do not cost much. It does not take long to utter them. Though they do not COST much, yet they ACCOMPLISH much. They help one’s own good nature and good will. Kind words make other people good natured. Kind words are in danger of being driven from the field, like frightened pigeons, in these days of boisterous words, and warlike words, and passionate words.

17 – Do not speak evil of others. A gentleman will never use his tongue to rail and brawl against any one; to speak evil of others in their absence; to exaggerate any of his statements; to speak harshly to children or to the poor; to swear, lie, or use improper language; to hazard random and improbable statements; to speak rashly or violently upon any subject; to deceive people by circulating false reports, or to offer up lip-service in religion.

18 – Put those who are bashful at ease. If you meet, in society, with any one, be it a gentleman or a lady, whose timidity or bashfulness, shows them unaccustomed to meeting others, endeavor, by your own gentleness and courtesy, to place them more at ease, and introduce to them those who will aid you in this endeavor.

19 – Become an excellent conversationalist. Dr. Johnson says that to converse well “there must, in the first place, be knowledge—there must be materials; in the second place, there must be a command of words; in the third place, there must be imagination to place things in such views as they are not commonly seen in; and, in the fourth place, there must be a presence of mind, and a resolution that is not to be overcome by failure—this last is an essential requisite; for want of it, many people do not excel in conversation.”

20 – Laugh at yourself. Good humor is the only shield to keep off the darts of the satirist; but if you are the first to laugh at a jest made upon yourself, others will laugh with you instead of at you.

21 – Speak truth. Maintain, in every word, a strict regard for perfect truth. Do not think of one falsity as harmless, another as slight, a third as unintended. Cast them all aside.

22 – Converse cheerfully with others. The advantage and necessity of cheerfulness and intelligent intercourse with the world is strongly to be recommended. A man who keeps aloof from society and lives only for himself, does not fulfil the wise intentions of Providence, who designed that we should be a mutual help and comfort to each other in life.

23 – Overcome shyness. There is no greater fault in good breeding than too great diffidence. Shyness cramps every motion, clogs every word. The only way to overcome the fault is to mix constantly in society, and the habitual intercourse with others will give you the graceful ease of manner which shyness utterly destroys.

24 – Avoid quarrels. If you are convinced, even, that you have the right side in an argument, yield your opinion gracefully, if this is the only way to avoid a quarrel, saying, “We cannot agree, I see, but this inability must not deprive me of a friend, so we will discuss the subject no further.” Few men will be able to resist your courtesy and good nature, but many would try to combat an obstinate adherence to your own side of the question.

25 – Be a gentleman in courtship. Sterne says, “True courtship consists in a number of quiet, gentlemanly attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, not so vague as to be misunderstood.” A clown will terrify by his boldness, a proud man chill by his reserve, but a gentleman will win by the happy mixture of the two.

26 – Do not lounge in the presence of a lady. Lazy, lounging attitudes in the presence of ladies are very rude.

28 – Do not offer your hand to a lady. Never offer to shake hands with a lady; she will, if she wishes you to do so, offer her hand to you, and it is an impertinence for you to do so first.’

29 – Offer your seat. If you are seated in the most comfortable chair in a public room, and a lady, an invalid, or an old man enters, rise, and offer your seat, even if they are strangers to you.