Conversing as a Monotask
After reading ‘The Twelve Monotasks,’ I’ve been thinking on the subject more and identified four monotasks. I’ve already covered worshipping and studying, and today I share some thoughts on conversing as a monotask.
It’s probably obvious why I’ve identified ‘conversing’ as a monotask. We live in a world where conversations are happening all the time but attention is scattered. Just think of all the text conversations, email conversations, and social media conversations that you have going on. Too often, face-to-face conversations are sacrificed for the purpose of maintaining these other conversations, or just for distractions in general. But when conversing, more than at almost any other time, people deeply appreciate your undivided attention. Giving all your attention to someone is rare. As Seth Godin pointed out, “Trust and attention – these are the scarce items in a post-scarcity world.” So, what practical strategies can you leverage to ensure that you focus solely on the person in front of you?
Full disclosure – I struggle to put all of these into practice. If you know me personally, you’ve probably observed me break multiple of these rules, sometimes often. Just because I write these strategies doesn’t mean that I always practice them – but they are strategies I aspire to.
Avoid the phone – Make it your goal to not pull out your phone during conversation, no matter how much you want to share a picture, reference a text, or look something up. While it may take only a moment, it shifts your focus from your conversation partner to your phone. Often, it takes a while to find what you are looking for, leaving your conversation partner standing their awkwardly. Instead, learn to carry on the conversation without your phone – and you can always look things up later. There are at least three exceptions to this rule: (1) If you go into the conversation with something already pulled up on your phone that you want to show someone, that doesn’t detract from the discussion. (2) If you need to make a note during the conversation, rather than be distracted from the conversation by trying to remember something – it’s better to make that note. (3) It’s always appropriate to pull your phone out to get contact information, since that is the best and most effective way to stay in touch with the person after the discussion.
Watch your body language – Your body language communicates how interested you are in the conversation. Generally, your feet point in the direction of your interest – meaning that if you are interested in the conversation, your feet should be pointed toward the person you are talking to. Avoid ‘closed’ body language – hands in pockets or crossed. Instead, open body language – relaxed and wide, rather than tight and constricted – indicates that you are willing to continue talking and aren’t trying to avoid anything. Generally, its a good idea to turn toward the person you are speaking to, which shows that they have your full attention. A good rule of thumb – though not always useful – is to mirror the other person’s body language, which demonstrates rapport. Note that all of these techniques are only general guidelines, which are not always helpful. The main point is that your body language should reveal that you are interested in the other person and care to hear what they have to say.
Maintain eye contact – Look the other person in the eye when talking with them. This is fairly easy to do when listening, but much harder when speaking. However, be careful with this. Your eye contact should be relaxed – this isn’t a stare down. Better to briefly look to the side (a very common habit) than to make the other person uncomfortable. Experiment with this and gradually train yourself to do it in a way that others are comfortable with. By focusing on the other person, you show that they are important, and they have your undivided attention. Beware that you aren’t constantly glancing around or looking behind the other person, distracted by other things.
Give a firm handshake – I’m speaking specifically to men, but this sets the tone for the rest of your interaction with this person. A firm handshake says that you are intentional, that you appreciate your interaction with this person, and that you are fully present.
Use names – People feel valued and appreciated when you remember their names. Throw their name into the conversation a few times to show that you are speaking directly to them, and it shows even more attention. For years I told myself that I just ‘couldn’t’ remember peoples’ names. Then I finally realized that it was laziness, rather than lack of ability, that was hindering me. If you make it a priority, this isn’t particularly hard.
Pursue excellence – How can you make this conversation excellent? What will make this conversation stand out in the mind of the other person? How can you go deeper with this person, get to know them better, and truly hear them? This is the heart of conversing – truly connecting with the other person, in such a way that meaningful information is communicated and a meaningful connection established or deepened. Ask thoughtful questions (good conversationalists are always good at asking questions) and don’t be afraid to broach sensitive topics, if you do it in a caring way, out of a genuine desire to hear and care for the other person.
Take time to talk – Remember that people can’t be scheduled. There are legitimate times when a conversation is going long and you have to end it. There are also times when a conversation needs to be ended, either because of what is being discussed or because it is a monologue, not a conversation. But when you give your full and undivided attention to someone, truly listening to what they have to say – that is deeply appreciated and helps you to truly connect.
In place of comments, I would love to hear from you personally. Please reach out to me via the Contact Page to share your thoughts and perspectives on this post!
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