Six Guidelines for Developing Biblical Friendship
As we’ve seen, friendship is a vital part of the Christian life. But how do we develop biblical friendships?
#1 – Spend Time with People
It’s impossible to be good friends with someone if you don’t spend time around them. It’s the key to developing relationships. Notice how the relationship between Moses and God was described: “Thus the LORD used to speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend.” (Ex 33:11a)
Did you see that? “Face to face, as a man speaks to his friend.” Not face-to-screen, not face-to-phone – but face to face.
Be around people. If you don’t naturally do this, it will get easier. If you are awkward, it will make you less awkward.
Being around people doesn’t mean that you have to be the center of attention or talk frequently. Indeed, it’s a mark of wisdom to not talk too much – “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” (Proverbs 17:28). If you aren’t used to being around people, then feel free to stand on the sideline and listen.
Get used to attending social functions, visiting people when they invite you to events, and taking advantage of all other get-togethers.
#2 – Develop your Communication Skills
Everyone has a ‘conversational toolbox’ with a variety of tools in it. For some people, that toolbox only has a couple tools. Others can barely close it because of all the tools they have.
What if your ‘conversational toolbox’ doesn’t have many tools? The good news is that you can add tools. Spending time with people, observing how people interact and communicate, and purposefully working on communication will help you to develop new skills in this regard.
Proverbs says that it is a sign of wisdom to be able to communicate deeply with others: “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” (Proverbs 20:5) Do you have the skills to be able to do that?
Some people say, “I’m an introvert, I’m just not good at that…” Guess what, I am too! But what I realized is that it’s a skill that you can develop, just like any other skill. How? Doing it, spending time with people, and being observant of others. What are other people doing? How can you model that?
#3 – Prioritize the Local Church
The local church should be the first place that you go to develop friendships. It is the most natural place that friendships would develop. You see each other regularly, believe the same things, have the same goal in life. This is a breeding ground for friendships.
Beware that you don’t wait for people at church to be friendly to you. Take the initiative and start friendships with other people. Remember that your friendships here are going to be based on the most solid and enduring similarities: your belief in God.
#4 – Serve Others
Friendship is a practical way to love our neighbors, which Jesus identified as the second most important commandment (Mark 12:28-31). When we serve others, it is natural for friendships to develop. This doesn’t mean, though, that we should serve just for what we can gain.
What opportunities do you see to serve? “So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.” (Galatians 6:10)
As you take these opportunities, friendships will natural occur. As one person wisely noted, “It’s remarkable the friendships you can make if you don’t stop caring.”
#5 – Use the friendship for spiritual benefit
Take advantage of the friendships that you have for spiritual benefit – both your own benefit, and the benefit of the other person.
Make it your aim to relate your conversations back to Jesus frequently. Encourage others spiritually. Ask them about their Bible reading, how they are doing, etc.
Timothy is a good example of an exemplary friend. Paul says of him, “I hope in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you soon, so that I too may be cheered by news of you. For I have no one like him, who will be genuinely concerned for your welfare. For they all seek their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 2:19-21) What a testimony – Timothy is genuinely concerned for their welfare, and he seeks the interests of Jesus Christ. Is that what undergirds your friendships?
At the same time that you seek to build others up, ask them to help you as well. Be honest about your spiritual struggles. Ask them to point out areas in your life that need growth.
While it’s never good to be quick to speak, there are times when you need to speak: “For just as incautious speech leads men into error, so, too, unseasonable silence leaves in error those who might have been instructed.” (Gregory the Great)
#6 – Acknowledge that God gives friends
While you should take steps to develop and maintain friendships, they are ultimately a gift of God, and not something that you should take for granted. Sometimes God will give you friends that you don’t expect; other times he will prevent friendships that you had hoped to develop.
Beeke and Haykin say it well: “Furthermore, remember that the development of friendships is not under your control, but under God’s. Sometimes acquaintances who look promising never develop into deep friends. Friendship can be frustrating, and misplaced friendship can turn into disastrous betrayal. A new friendship may surprise you, or an old friend may be suddenly removed from your life. The point is that as you labor to be a friend to others, submit to God’s providence. Jerry and Mary White wrote, ‘God does not intend that every friendship we attempt to initiate should develop.’ As you strive to be a friend, you must recognize the mystery of how friendships come to pass. You cannot make someone be your faithful friend. God is Lord of friendship.”
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