What Does It Mean to Forgive Yourself?
We hear often, today, about the need to ‘forgive yourself.’ We all have things that we are ashamed of; how do we move past these things to the abundant life that Jesus promises to His followers? Should we forgive ourselves? If so, how do you forgive yourself? What does the Bible say on this subject?
In order to answer these questions, let’s start with some basic Biblical teachings that will help to answer these questions.
Who are you?
The Bible teaches that we all have a ‘nature.’ Your nature is the essence of who you are; it is fundamental to your identity, and it determines which actions you are capable of taking. You have a human nature, just as dogs have a ‘dog nature’ and cats have a ‘cat nature.’ There are certain actions which are natural for a dog – barking, chasing squirrels, etc. You don’t have to teach a dog these actions. So also there are actions which are natural for you.
In fact, the Bible goes further and says that everyone is born into the world with a sinful human nature. This nature is described in the most unpleasant terms in Romans 3:9-20. In fact, this natural sinful nature is loathsome. That is what the Bible teaches. The first need of every human being is to recognize how loathsome this sinful nature is.
The fact that you feel the need to forgive yourself, though, indicates that you probably already realize that something about you is deeply disturbing.
How do you feel about yourself?
You probably feel like you loath yourself and can’t stand yourself. You are deeply aware of your need for forgiveness, and you want to learn how to forgive yourself. However, the Bible actually says something quite puzzling: it affirms that everyone loves himself or herself. This teaching is found in Ephesians 5:29. Here, the Bible says that no one (in history!) has ever hated his own flesh.
Maybe you feel otherwise. Perhaps you feel self-loathing. Maybe you have contemplated suicide. You might have even engaged in cutting. It does not feel like you love yourself. But in fact, your actions indicate that you are trying to come to peace. You actually do care about yourself: you are doing anything you can to get out of the horrible feelings that you have. You care about yourself so deeply that you are willing to do extreme things to try to obtain peace.
Where is that in the Bible?
Now comes the next surprising fact: the Bible speaks nowhere about ‘forgiving yourself.’ That’s right, not once do we read anything about forgiving yourself. (Trust me: I went through every passage in the Bible that talks about forgiving!) This is surprising, of course, since so many people (even so many ministers!) talk about this subject. Why isn’t it in the Bible?
Here is the reason: because the Bible doesn’t indicate that ‘forgiving ourselves’ is the solution to any of our problems. On the contrary, we already love ourselves too much – even when we feel self-loathing! If you forgive yourself, you are reconciling to who you are – but the Bible teaches that you shouldn’t reconcile to who you are. Who you are is the problem!
So, what is the solution? There are three things that need to happen.
Get a new nature.
What you need is a change on the inside. God can make you new on the inside, so that it is no longer your nature to do the things that you are ashamed of. The Bible speaks often of this need for change on the inside. In 2 Corinthians 5:17 it says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” We often assume that we can’t change without psychologists and psychotherapists and lots of counselling. The Bible teaches otherwise. Jesus changes people from the inside out, so that they are new creations. Jesus takes sinful people who don’t care about Him and He turns them into followers of Him.
Repent and ask for God’s forgiveness
You don’t need to forgive yourself, but you do need forgiveness. God is able to forgive you, and more than that, He is willing to forgive you. What He asks of you is repentance. What is this?
Repentance means more than feeling sorry about what you did. Repentance is a change of course and life. It is a U-turn in life. It means that you begin to think differently about your sin and yourself and God. It means that you start accepting God’s word, rather than making excuses. You stop trusting yourself. You believe what the Bible says about Jesus Christ. Your renounce your own way of living, and accept His way of living.
There are two types of ‘feeling sorry’ about what you did. The Bible outlines these two types of sorrow in 2 Corinthians 7:10-11. One type of sorrow leads to death – depression, despair, gloom, hopelessness, maybe even suicide. The other type of sorrow leads to this repentance that I just mentioned. Then, that repentance leads to salvation as God changes your nature.
Understand the Christian life
Ok, let’s say that you have a new nature (you are a Christian now). You’ve repented and asked God’s forgiveness, but you still feel self-loathing. Or, let’s assume that you were already a Christian when you did this terrible thing. If you are already a Christian, that means you already have a new nature that doesn’t love sin, and you’ve already been changed on the inside. How could you have done this thing? And how do you ever move past it?
The first step is to ensure that you really are a Christian. You may assume that you are one of God’s people, but you can’t just assume that. You need to ensure it! Wasted Faith is one helpful resource that you could work through. The book of 1 John in the Bible can also help you work through this.
A second step is to confess your sin to God (and those who were affected) and repent. Psalm 51 is a wonderful passage to pray through. King David wrote that Psalm after he seduced another man’s wife, got her pregnant, and then murdered her husband. It was the blackest stain on his life, but when he came to his senses, he cried out to God for mercy.
Two truths will help you at this point. The first is your standing in Jesus Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:21 explains who you are in Jesus. Jesus came to earth, took the sins of God’s people, and gave them his righteousness. What this means is that when God sees Jesus, He sees you! And when God sees you, He sees Jesus. You are ‘in Christ.’ (That is not a term that I made up – it is common in the Bible). You see, if you are one of God’s people, God always sees you as righteous – because He always sees Christ’s righteousness covering you! Of course, sometimes you are more fruitful than other times – but you are always righteous in God’s sight!
The second truth to help you is found in 2 Corinthians 4:16. Here we learn that God’s people are ‘being renewed day by day.’ This means that every day, God changes you. He makes you more like Jesus. No, you aren’t perfect, and you won’t be perfect this side of glory – but you are improving every day, by God’s grace. You are being renewed. You may have done terrible things, but if you are God’s child, He doesn’t leave you there. You are a work in project, and He will continue to work in you.
Your ultimate need is not self-forgiveness, but God’s forgiveness. This may seem surprising, but it is what the Bible teaches. Thankfully, the Bible describes God as ‘ready to forgive.’ More than that, God is willing to give you a new nature, and to place you ‘in Christ,’ so that you are defined by His righteousness. This is wonderful news!
